


I'll do better cause you are loved

by Shadowtravelingtitans



Series: Jimon Week [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Married Life, lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 07:17:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10566330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowtravelingtitans/pseuds/Shadowtravelingtitans
Summary: Jace tries his hand at calming his wailing infant at two in the morning.





	

“Hush, shhh it’s okay, daddy’s here.” Jace whispered into his son’s ear, rocking back and forth trying to calm the wailing infant in his arms. “Please, daddy has work in…” quick glance at the clock ”..three hours.” He had tried everything to placate his son, feed him, changed him, burped him, and yet he’d been screaming non stop. Simon had already tried twice, but he’d looked so exhausted doing it that Jace volunteered this once. His husband usually stayed home with the baby, while Jace worked at the Institute. He felt it was only right that he be the one to calm George down at least tonight. Or this morning.

Yet, right now more than ever, he felt so out of place holding the tiny infant. Jace made it a point to be present in his son’s life, would drop everything to be there for him, show him he was loved and not broken. Not like himself. Still, deep, deep in the dark muddled waters of his mind, there was a fear that he’d break his son, like Valentine had done to him. That he couldn’t live up to the expectation of a great father. Or even a decent one.

The piercing sound of his son’s wailing brought him back to reality. “George, please you’ve got to help me out here. Daddy wants to help, but daddy doesn’t speak baby babble, he’s sorry.” He has no idea how Simon has managed to do this every night so that Jace could sleep and be refreshed for missions the next day. He smiled fondly at the memory of a tired Simon holding George every morning as he kissed both of them on the forehead before heading off to the Institute. 

His eyes scanned the room and quickly landed on Simon’s first acoustic guitar. He had insisted that it be placed in George’s room, because it reminded him of his father and he wanted to make sure the original Papa Lewis was watching over his grandson. Music would definitely be something that they would share with George as he got older. A thought slipped its way into Jace’s head the longer he stared at the old guitar.

“ _ May these words be the first to find your ears. _ ” He started, slowly, his voice a mere whisper. “ _ The world is brighter than the sun now that you’re here. Though your eyes will need some time to adjust to the overwhelming light surrounding us.”  _ He slowly swayed his son and himself, hoping to find a lulling rhythm. 

“ _ I’ll give you everything I have. I’ll teach you everything I know. I promise I’ll do better. _ ” He pulled his boy closer to him, hoping that the force of his love and want to protect could seep out of his heart and his George’s bones. Completely unaware of the soft gaze quietly watching them both from the doorway.

_ “I will always hold you close, but I will learn to let you go. I promise I’ll do better.” _

Simon remembers when he first mentioned the word ‘adoption’ in front of Jace. He had been trying to introduce the concept to him ever since Max had celebrate his third birthday in the Lightwood-Bane household. The conversation quickly escalated into a screaming match between the both. Luckily the only fatality was the Pikachu cookie jar his sister had gotten him for his birthday the year before.

_ “I will soften every edge, I’ll hold the world to its best, and I’ll do better.” _

The next time he mentioned it was after Clary and Isabelle returned from their DisneyLand vacation with the twins. Simon had offered himself and his husband to watch over the kids while the girls went to shower and take a quick nap. Apparently taking two hyperactive five year olds to Disney was  _ not  _ the greatest decision. Needless to say, Jace spent most of the time playing with them, but would freeze when any of the kids asked him for a hug. Simon would of laughed at the expression of horror if he didn’t know where it stemmed from. At the end of the night, after they returned home, he mentioned that it hadn’t been so bad, nothing to worry about, kids are harmless. Jace’s response was a glare and a slammed door, the words ‘ _ but I’m not’  _ cutting through the air.

_ “With every heartbeat I have left I will defend your every breath,” _

The turning point, if Simon had to pick one, was on a regular Thursday night. There had been no mention of children for the longest time, Simon had accepted the fact that it wouldn’t be a possibility with Jace. Or at least he had thought he had gotten over it. But then they watched some stupid movie with some stupid characters that had a stupid kid and it was so stupidly heartfelt and warm and Simon  _ wanted  _ that. He wanted to raise a child with Jace. He wanted to teach him how to play guitar while Jace accompanied them with his piano. He wanted to watch Jace and their child play baseball, or basketball, or even dance, because he knew that Jace would approve of anything their child wanted to learn. He wanted little intimate moments where there was so much love between them that you could drown in it, willingly. He wanted to decorate a room with Jace, to discuss names with Jace, he wanted, God, he wanted Jace to see how great a man he was. And how good he would be as a father. 

But Jace didn’t want it. Didn’t want that type of happiness with  _ him.  _ Even the pain of being turned and digging himself out of his own grave hadn’t hurt this much. So when the movie ended Simon untangled himself from his husband and ran to the bathroom of their shared room. He couldn’t breathe, he just wanted to cry and just scream until his heart stopped aching. He cried silently, hands placed on the sides of the sink, head bowed in prayer. Maybe he should pray. Pray to God to give him the strength to stop wishing for the impossible. To stop dreaming about preschool conferences, and children’s laughter. To just be happy he has Jace, a man he loves and who he knows loves him, and happy to be an uncle to Max and Raphael, to Luke and Maryse.  

He felt Jace at the doorway before he saw him. Leaning up against the frame. Simon could feel his eyes on him, and he wished he could hold it together. He wished he could just put this stupid wish behind him. He didn’t want Jace to feel bad about not wanting kids, but it was so hard for him to leave it alone.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Simon sniffled and tried once more to compose himself. 

“No it’s stupid, I’m being stupid, it’s nothing to worry about.” He heard Jace sigh and his heart ached because he knew Jace was probably blaming himself, even though it wasn’t his fault. Simon just couldn’t stop the tears falling from his eyes.

“Simon, it’s not stupid. Nothing that’s making you this upset is stupid.” Simon tried taking some deep breathes. “Just talk to me, please.” Silence.

“It was the movie.” He nodded. “It was the kid in the movie.” Simon choked out a yes. He heard Jace sigh again and he couldn’t stop the torrent of words flowing out of his mouth.

“It’s not your fault, I’m just being emotional, not that you aren’t emotional, you are I remember you cried in the beginning of Up. I mean anyone would cry at the beginning of Up, it’s completely heart wrenching. I mean why did they have to show us that, they were so happy and all she wanted was a child and...” Simon sucked in a shaky breath, before he whimpered. “Jace.” 

He turned around to meet his husband’s chest, already awaiting Simon, and he buried his head into the soft sweater Jace was wearing. Flashes of baseball games, and concerts, recitals, a swing set in their yard, three pairs of shoes flung near the doorway instead of two, and of homework, and of prom, all ran in his mind and he sobbed. He sobbed because he shouldn’t want a child this bad, he should be happy with this man who puts up with his rambling and horrible puns, but no. Here he is being ungrateful and probably causing Jace to hate himself, and  _ God  _ he feels like a horrible husband. 

He continues sobbing, tucked under Jace’s chin and listening to the sound of his husband’s heartbeat. Jace’s one hand pushing through his curls while the other secured him closer to him by the waist. Slowly his sobs become sniffles, but Jace doesn’t let go, just holds him as if he might leave too soon.

“Simon.” He finally says after more time has passed. Simon leans away from his husband’s chest and wipes his eyes, trying to avoid looking at his face because he doesn’t want to see the pain he’s caused him. Jace has other plans and uses the hand that was playing with his curls to tilt his chin towards him, forcing eye contact. He sees hurt in his husband’s mixed matched eyes, but he also sees worry.

“Why didn’t you tell me this was so important to you?”

“Jace, it’s not, it wasn’t supposed to be. At first I was just curious, you know, cause Alec and Magnus had Max and Raphael, and they looked happy. But then Clary and Izzy adopted the twins and they seemed tired all the time, but like they never really complained, it’s like they enjoyed being exhausted by the kids. And every one of our friends seemed to be so content with having little ones and you...you Jace, whether you noticed it or not, you looked  _ happy  _ with them. You can’t deny that you loved playing with the twins, or didn’t enjoy Max’s tea party, or didn’t feel pride when Raphael called you the cool uncle. And I thought….”

He shook his head and tried clearing his throat, anything to keep his voice from shaking, not to any avail. “..I thought that maybe that meant you wanted kids with me, to raise a little guy or a little girl, but every time I mentioned it you pushed me away. You rejected any mention of it and…” He paused to taken in a shaky breathe. “I realized that maybe you just didn’t want kids with me, that you didn’t think we could do it, but, Jace, I know you. I know all of you. And if there is one thing that I’m certain of besides my love for you is that you would make an excellent father.” Simon finished, sniffling in anticipation of what Jace might say. He knows Jace is sensitive to this topic and he wishes, everyday, that Jace could see how wonderful he is. 

“Simon.” Jace huffs out, body tensing up, defenses closing him off to Simon. He should have known, he should have just gotten over the baby fever from the beginning. But seeing Jace, so clearly reject the notion of a child together, that was breaking him. He began to pull himself away from his husband’s embrace. 

“I get it. I know. It’s, again, stupid. Just, don’t worry about it, I’ll get over it soon. I won’t bother you with this again.” Because he doesn’t want to lose Jace, not over some hypothetical child he’s raised into college years in his head. He and Jace have fought so hard to stay together, Simon won’t ruin that with his pointless dreams.

“Simon, it’s not stupid.” He took a deep breath to steady himself. “It’s not stupid, I just. I can’t be trusted with. I just can’t do it, okay. You, you’re so good at emotions and the kids love you. You’re a natural with them, you read them books with those weird voices and you let them watch Disney movies all the time, and Simon, I can’t do that. I’m not safe enough to be near kids.”

“What are you talking about? Jace, the kids love you. You’re their favorite uncle, why would you ever think differently. Besides we’ve babysat them before, without the others. What am I not getting?”

“It’s different with you.” Simon blinked, confused.

“Not in a bad way, just, shit.” Jace ran a hand through his hair, before bringing it back down to hold Simon’s hands. 

“You make me better. You remind me that I’m not what Valentine or what the Clave raised me as. I’m not a mindless shadowhunter who just follows orders. I have emotions and I can be kind. But I need you there. If you’re not there, I can’t.”

“I mean, I don’t trust myself with a child, our own child. I may have gotten better, but I was still raised by Valentine. What if I hurt them? What if I end up breaking them like Valentine broke me? We fought so hard to be together and I just...I just don’t know what I would do if you ever began to see me as I see myself.” Jace gripped his husband’s hands tighter, hoping that this wouldn’t be the end. He hadn’t wanted to tell Simon how insecure he was about having children, someone fragile he could break or ruin. 

“You stupid man.” Jace looked up, confusion written all over his face. Simon removed his hands, gently, from his husband’s grasp and brought them up to cradle his face instead. He brought their foreheads together, silent tears falling freely from his eyes once more. 

“You were kind before I came into your life. You’ve always been kind. Alec and Isabelle can attest to that. I just reminded you of it. Jace, I don’t know what Valentine did to you as a child, not completely, but you’re not that. You aren’t your past or whatever mental torture he put you through. You are so much more than that.”

“You are kind.” He placed a kiss on his husband’s nose. “You are loyal.” Another on his right cheek. “And so strong.” One on his left cheek. “And smart when you want to be.” A kiss to the forehead. “And most of all, you are so full of love and life. That won’t ever change. You are more caring than you give yourself credit for. That’s why I wanted a child with you, because I couldn’t imagine anyone else better suited for fatherhood than you, my love.” He finished by placing what Jace would later remember as the softest kiss on his lips. 

After that they had talked about it some more. Jace voicing his insecurities and Simon reassuring him that, yes parents weren’t perfect, but regardless of what mistakes they made as parents, their future child would be loved. When they finally went through the adoption process and brought little George home, he could tell that Jace was still anxious about caring for their son. It showed in the way he stayed off to the side when Simon was playing with him, or when he held George for a bit but immediately gave him back to Simon once he was in the same room. 

Except now, looking at the scene before him, it seemed that little George had closed the gap that Jace seemed certain he never could. 

_ “and I’ll do better.” _

Jace couldn’t explain what came over him, all he saw was his son,  _ his son,  _ and the urge to protect him was so strong, he couldn’t fathom why his father, or his fake father, hadn’t felt the same for him. That Valentine looked at him and saw a weapon, whereas all Jace saw when he looked into those small brown eyes was innocence and love. And a fear rushed through him, memories of feeling unwanted and uncared for crashed into him, and he needed to let George know. He needed to let  _ his boy  _ know that he was  _ loved.  _ Nothing would ever change that. He was loved and loved and loved so much, by his uncles, by his aunts, by his grandmother, by his adoptive grandparents, but most importantly by Simon and himself. His dads. 

He walked towards the cream colored crib and paused just taking in the features of the small boy in his arms. Soft skin, cheeks tinged red from the effort put in wailing, tear streaks staining his face. The only sound in the quiet of the night was his son’s soft whimpering, and his labored breathing. His son needed to know, just how important he was to him. Swallowing the lump in his throat he continued, softly, the pad of his thumb wiping away the tears.  

“ _ Сause you are loved.”  _ He croaked out. _ “You are loved more than you know. I hereby pledge all of my days to prove it so _ .” He could feel his eyes swell, the vision of his son becoming more and more blurry.  _ “Though your heart is far too young to realize the unimaginable light you hold inside.”  _ He felt tears roll down his cheeks, one landing on George’s cheek. His son’s whimpers subsided, his bright brown eyes watching the mixed matched ones of his father’s. Slowly little George brought his chubby hand up and placed it on his father’s tear stained cheek. For a moment Jace forgot how to breathe, and nearly lost it when George offered him a small toothless smile. In that moment Jace knew, despite what had happened, despite the whispers and rumors of demon blood, he would never,  _ ever,  _ let himself become to his own son, what Valentine had become to him. 

“ _ I promise I’ll do better. _ ”

It was a testament to how enraptured Jace was by his son, that he hadn’t felt his husband come up and wrap his arms around his waist from behind until he heard him whisper next to his ear.

“ _ You already have.” _

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually meant for Jimon Week, but I was in the midst of midterms sooo, here it is. Two months later. Oops.
> 
> Anyway this was for day five, music or lyrics. The song in Light - Sleeping at Last. The first time I heard it, I immediately thought about Jace singing it to his future kid.
> 
> So here you are, hope you enjoy it!


End file.
